• I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I'm gonna put pins into all the locations that I've traveled to. But first, I'm gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won't fall down.
• I bought a doughnut from a store and they gave me a receipt for the doughnut. I don't need a receipt for the doughnut. Man, I'll just give you money, then you give me the doughnut. End of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this. I just can't imagine a scenario where I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut. To some skeptical friend: "Don't even act like I didn't get that doughnut, I've got the documentation right here. Oh wait, it's at home, in the file... under D... for doughnut"
• One time a guy handed me a picture of himself, and he said, "Here's a picture of me when I was younger." Every picture of you is of when you were younger. "Here's a picture of me when I am older." "How'd you pull that off? Let me see that camera."
• You know, if I made orange juice, I would not be so hard on people. I would be more polite, like I would not print 'shake well' on the carton, cause you don't know how good people can shake, you know? I would write, "Shake to the best of your ability."
• At a stoplight, green means go, yellow means slow down, and red means stop. For a banana it's the complete opposite. Green means hold on, yellow means go right ahead, and red means, dude, where the heck did you get that banana?
• I bought a two bedroom house. But it's up to me how many bedrooms I want isn't it? This bedroom has an oven in it. This bedroom has a lot of people sitting around watching TV. This bedroom is also known as a hallway. This bedroom's over in that guys house.
• I rent a lot of cars, 'cause I go on the road, and when I drive a rental car, I don't know what's going on with them, right. So a lot of times I'll drive for like ten miles with the emergency brake on. That doesn't say a lot for me, but it really doesn't say a lot for the emergency brake. It's really not an emergency brake, it's an emergency 'make the car smell funny' lever.
• My girlfriend works at Hooters... in the kitchen.
• Whenever I walk, people try to hand me out flyers. And when someone tries to hand me out a flyer, it's kinda like they're saying, "Here, YOU throw this away."
• If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn't type any slower.
• I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
• My friend has this really expensive sofa. He said it turns into a bed. I told him every couch turns into a bed .... you just have to remember to lay on it long ways.
• I was at a bar once and bumped into a guy who had on a mustache, a goatee, a pair of earrings, a lip ring, two eyebrow piercings, a pair of sunglasses, a pony-tail, and he was wearing a hat. He said, "Hey, man, you got a lot of nerve," and then I said "Hey, man, you have a lot of... cranial accessories." [crowd laughs] You guys are a smart crowd. When I do the dumber crowds, I have to say, "Hey, man, you got a lot of s#@%* on your head!"
• A Lot of Death Metal bands have intense names like Rigor Mortis or Mortuary or Obituary. We weren't that intense. We just went with "Injured." And later we changed it to "A Cappella"... as we were walkin' out of the pawn shop.

2006- A Little (recycled) Humor, Wisdom, etc.....

• A man who says marriage is a 50-50 proposition doesn't understand two things: women and fractions.
• I know I'm getting old.  Almost everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt doesn't work.
• March is the month God created to show people who don't drink what a hangover is like.   Garrison Keillor
• Man - a creature made at the end of the week's work when God was tired.             Mark Twain
• There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
• Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.  Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
• Sometimes you need to look reality in the eye, and deny it.   Garrison Keillor
• Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die.
• Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.   Albert Einstein

Lexicon of Inconspicuously Ambiguous Responses (LIAR), a program for (not) recommending job candidates:

• In my opinion, you will be most fortunate to get this person to work for you.
• All in all, I cannot say enough good things about this candidate to recommend him too highly.
• I would urge you to waste no time in making this candidate an offer of employment.
• I am pleased to say that this candidate is a former employee of mine.
• I most enthusiastically recommend this candidate with no qualifications whatever.
• I can assure you that no person would be better for the job.

Actual lines out of U.S. Military OER's (Officer Efficiency Reports):

• Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
• Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.
• A room temperature IQ.
• Got a full 6-pack but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.
• A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
• Bright as Alaska in December.
• The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
• So dense, light bends around him.
• If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.
• If he were any more stupid he'd have to be watered twice a week.
• The wheel is turning but the hamster is dead.

Actual excerpts from Royal Navy and Marines officer fitness reports:

• His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity.
• He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire satisfaction.
• He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle.
• This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
• Since my last report he has reached rock bottom, and has started to dig.
• She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
• He has the wisdom of youth and the energy of old age.
• Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.
• This man is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

Don't Squat with Your Spurs On:  A Cowboy's Guide to Life

• There are two theories about arguing with a woman. Neither one works.
• If you get to thinking you're a person of some influence, try ordering someone else's dog around.
• Don't worry about biting off more than you can chew. Your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger than you think.
• Good judgment comes from experience, and a whole lot of that comes from bad judgment.
• Always drink upstream from the herd.
• Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it back in.
• Never miss a good chance to shut up.
• If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop digging.

Things to Think About:

• For some people, the opposite of talking isn't listening, it's waiting.
• Some mornings it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
• They are talking about raising the drinking age in Georgia to 35 - they're trying to keep it out of the schools.
• My wife's cooking is fit for a king --- (whistle)  here King, here King!
• I love deadlines.  I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
• Deja moo:  the feeling that you've heard this bull before.
• If all the people who sleep in church were laid out in one long line, they'd be a lot more comfortable.
• 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
• Remember, half the people you know are below average.
• On the other hand, you have different fingers.
• The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
• If you lend someone $20 and never see him again, it was probably worth it.
• It's always darkest before the dawn.  So, if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

2005 - Wisdom and Interesting Quotes for the New Year

• For sincere personal advice and the correct time: phone any number at random at 3am.
• Always give 100% at work: 12% Monday, 23% Tuesday, 40% Wednesday, 20% Thursday, 5% Friday...
• There are two kinds of people, those who do the work and those who take the credit. Try to be in the first group; there is less competition there.   - Indira Gandhi.
• The CEO's job in a huge company is essentially the same as the Magic 8 Ball: saying yes, no, or maybe, without the benefit of understanding the questions.   - Scott Adams (of dilbert fame).
• The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that you've got it made.   - Jean Giraudoux.
• Most born executives are people with a parent who started the business.
• During job interviews, when they ask: "What is your worst quality?", I always say: "Flatulence". That way I get my own office.   - Dan Thompson
• Don't undertake vast projects with half-vast ideas.
• If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.
• When I consider how sweaters tend to make me sweat, I'm a lot less inclined to wear my windbreaker.   - Brad Hamer.
• A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
• Everybody must believe in something.... I believe I'll have another drink.   - Murphy (of Murphy's law fame).
• When dealing with patients, supervisors, or citizens, if it felt good saying it, it was the wrong thing to say.
• When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut.
• You know the world's gone mad when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the USA of arrogance and the Germans don't want to go to war!   - Chris Rock, March 2003.
• Democracy is three wolves and a sheep voting on what's for dinner.
• The kinds of people who are willing to fight for power tend to be precisely the kinds of people that you don't want in power.   - The leaders' paradox.
• The best argument against democracy is a five minute talk with the average voter.   - Winston Churchill.
• The average human has about one breast and one testicle.    - From Statistics 101.
• It is now proved beyond doubt that smoking is one of leading causes of statistics.    - Fletcher Knebel.
• WARNING: Do not look into laser with remaining eye!   - Sign found at MIT's Junior Lab.
• Be an optimist, at least until they start moving animals in pairs to Cape Kennedy.   - Anonymous.
• You do not really understand something unless you can explain it to your grandmother.   - Albert Einstein.
• If God had wanted us to use the metric system, Jesus would have had 10 apostles.
• The Science Graduate asks "How does it work?"
  The Economics Graduate asks "How much does it cost?"
  The Engineering Graduate asks "How can we make it?"
  The Liberal Arts Graduate asks "Do you want fries with that?"    - Jesse N. Schell.
• You aren't a real engineer until you make one $50,000 mistake.
• The optimist says the glass is half full. The pessimist says the glass is half empty. The engineer says the glass is too large.The optician says the glasses are half-price. The thirsty guy says:  "Hey, who drank my water?"
• All over China, parents tell their children to stop complaining and to finish their quadratic equations and trigonometric functions because there are sixty-five million American kids going to bed with no math at all.   - Michael Cunningham.
• More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly.   - Woody Allen.
• I'm only working half days - 12 hours.  - Ricardo Gonzalez
• If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, it probably needs a little more time in the microwave.   - Lori Dowdy.
• I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick, not wounded: dead.   - Woody Allen.
• A gourmet restaurant in Cincinnati is one where you leave the tray on the table after you eat.
• The trouble with eating Italian food is that five or six days later you're hungry again.   - George Miller.

A Tribute to Rodney Dangerfield

• I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow.  He told me to wear a brown necktie.
• What a childhood I had, why, when I took my first step, my old man tripped me!
• I was so ugly, my mother used to feed me with a slingshot!
• I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
• I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake.  He told me, "Wait til it gets warmer."
• Once when I was lost I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I don't know kid. There are so many places they can hide."
• I went to see my doctor... Doctor Vinnie Boombatz. Yeah...I told him once, "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror I feel like throwing up.  What's wrong with me?  He said, "I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect."
• I tell you, with my doctor, I don't get no respect.  I told him, "I've swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills."  He told me to have a few drinks and get some rest. 
• I met the surgeon general. He offered me a cigarette.
• Last week I told my psychiatrist, "I keep thinking about suicide." He told me from now on I have to pay in advance.
• Last week I saw my psychiatrist. I told him, "Doc, I keep thinking I'm a dog." He told me to get off his couch.
• My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy.  I told him, "If you don't mind, I'd like a second opinion."  He said, "All right. You're ugly too!"
• When I was a kid I got no respect.  The time I was kidnapped, and the kidnappers sent my parents a note they said, "We want five thousand dollars or you'll see your kid again."
• A girl phoned me and said, "Come on over. There's nobody home." I went over.  Nobody was home!