2010 - The Wisdom of Mark Twain
"Everybody talks about the weather, but nobody does anything about it."
"Never
put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow."
Let us be thankful
for the fools. But for them the rest of us could not succeed.
A lie can travel half-way around the world while the truth is putting
on its shoes.
I
am an old man and have known a great many troubles but most of them never happened.
Indecency,
vulgarity, obscenity- these are strictly confined to man; he invented them. Among the higher animals there is no trace of
them. - The Lowest Animal essay
The thug is aware that loudness convinces sixty
persons where reasoning convinces but one. - "Is Shakespeare Dead?" essay
It
is better to give than receive - especially advice.- Wit and Wisdom of Mark Twain, Alex Ayres
It's
noble to be good. It's nobler to teach others to be good, and less trouble.- Wit and Wisdom of Mark Twain, Alex Ayres
You should never do anything wicked and lay it on your brother, when it is just
as convenient to lay it on some other boy.- Advice for Good Little Boys
Be respectful
to your superiors, if you have any.- Advice to Young People speech, 4/15/1882
It
is better to read the weather forecast before we pray for rain.- Notebook; More Maxims of Mark, Johnson, 1927
Man
is a Religious Animal. He is the only Religious Animal. He is the only animal that has the True Religion -- several of them.
He is the only animal that loves his neighbor as himself and cuts his throat if his theology isn't straight. He has made a
graveyard of the globe in trying his honest best to smooth his brother's path to happiness and heaven....The higher animals
have no religion. And we are told that they are going to be left out in the Hereafter. I wonder why? It seems questionable
taste.- The Lowest Animal essay, 1897
We despise all reverences and all the objects
of reverence which are outside the pale of our own list of sacred things. And yet, with strange inconsistency, we are shocked
when other people despise and defile the things which are holy to us.- Following the Equator
"Suppose
you were an idiot. Suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself."
Man is the reasoning animal. Such is the claim. I think it
is open to dispute. Indeed, my experiments have proven to me that he is the Unreasoning Animal.
It seems plain to me that whatever he is he is not a reasoning animal. His record is the fantastic
record of a maniac. I consider that the strongest count against his intelligence is the fact that with
that record back of him he blandly sets himself up as the head animal of the lot: whereas by his own standards he is the bottom
one.In truth, man is incurably foolish. Simple things which the other animals easily
learn, he is incapable of learning. Among my experiments was this. In an hour I taught
a cat and dog to be friends. I put them in a cage. In another hour I taught them to
be friends with a rabbit. In the course of two days I was able to add a fox, a goose, a squirrel and some
doves. Finally a monkey. They lived together in peace; even affectionately.Next, in another cage I confined an Irish Catholic from Tipperary, and as soon as he seemed tame, I added
a Scotch Presbyterian from Aberdeen. Next a Turk from Constantinople; a Greek Christian from Crete; an
Armenian; a Methodist from the wilds of Arkansas; a Buddhist from China; a Brahman from Benares. Finally,
a Salvation Army Colonel from Wapping. Then I stayed away two whole days. When I came
back to note results, the cage of Higher Animals was all right, but in the other there was but a chaos of gory odds and ends
of turbans and fezzes and plaids and bones and flesh – not a specimen left alive. These Reasoning
Animals had disagreed on a theological detail and carried the matter to a higher court. From Letters
from the Earth, Mark Twain.
2009 - THINGS TO THINK ABOUT
If God had trouble raising children, what makes you think
it would be a piece of cake for you ?
1.
You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next sixteen
telling them to sit down and shut up.
2. Grandchildren are God's reward for
not killing your own children.
3. Mothers of teens now know why some
animals eat their young.
4. Children seldom misquote you. In
fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.
5. The main
purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.
6.
We childproofed our homes, but they are still getting in.
7. Be nice to your kids. They will choose
your nursing home one day.
And finally:
if you have a lot of tension and get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "TAKE
TWO ASPIRIN" and "KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN."
THE MAN RULES
We always hear " the rules"
from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side.Please note … these are all numbered "1" … on purpose!
1. Men are NOT mind readers.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday
sports: It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let
us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
1. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. Anything we said 6 months
ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
1. If you think you're
fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted
two ways and
one of the
ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. You can either ask us
to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best
how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have
to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did not need
directions and
neither do we.
1. All men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have
no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act
like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If
you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere,
absolutely anything you wear is fine... really.
1. Don't ask us what we're
thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball or golf.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round
is a shape!
Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men
really don't
mind that?
It's like camping.
How to Win Friends and Influence People
by Dale Carnegie
Mr. Carnegie’s principles, summarized
here, are as valid today as when first published over 70 years ago. If only I could remember to follow
them …….
Six Ways to Make People Like You
1.
Become genuinely interested in other people.
2. Smile.
3.
Remember that a man’s name is to him the sweetest
and most important sound in any language.
4. Be a good
listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves.
5. Talk in terms of the other man’s interests.
6. Make
the other person feel important – and do it sincerely.
Twelve Ways to Win People to Your Way of Thinking
1. The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it.
2. Show respect for the other man’s opinions. Never tell a man he is wrong.
3. If you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically.
4. Begin in a friendly way.
5.
Get the other person saying “yes, yes” immediately.
6. Let the other man do a great deal of the talking.
7. Let the other fellow feel that the idea is his.
8. Try
honestly to see things from the other person’s point of view.
9. Be sympathetic with the other person’s ideas and desires.
10. Appeal to
the nobler motives.
11.
Dramatize your ideas.
12. Throw down a challenge.
Nine Ways to Change People Without Giving Offense:
1. Begin with praise and honest appreciation.
2. Call attention to people’s mistakes indirectly.
3. Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person.
4. Ask questions instead of giving direct orders.
5. Let
the other man save his face.
6.
Praise the slightest improvement and praise every improvement.
Be “hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise.”
7. Give a man a fine reputation to live up to.
8. Use encouragement. Make the fault you want to correct seem easy to correct; make the thing you want
the other person to do seem easy to do.
9. Make the
other person happy about the thing you suggest.
2008 - The Mind
"Mind Like A Steel Trap -
Rusty and Illegal In 37 States" - Stephen Wright
"The problem with America is stupidity. Why don't we just
take the safety labels off everything and let the problem solve itself?"
"A great many people think they are
thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices." - William James
"Some people are wise, and some
are otherwise."
"Why are wise men and wise guys the exact opposite?"
"Many people would sooner
die than think. In fact they do." - Bertrand Russell
"People don't seem to realize that it takes time and
effort and preparation to think. Statesmen are far too busy making speeches to think." - Bertrand Russell.
"A
mind is a terrible thing to waste... That's why I save it for special occasions."
"Around here, we put the
FUN in dysFUNctional."
"My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely."
"I have
an open mind -- it's just closed for repairs."
"I took an IQ test and the results were negative."
"I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this."
- Emo Phillips
"Trust your first impressions. It seems that thinking only confuses you."
"There
is only one thing that can keep growing without nourishment: The human ego." - Marshall Lumsden.
Q: "What
is the difference between ignorance and apathy?" A: "I don't know and I don't care." - Norman H. Cohen
"Arguing with a man who will not produce evidence in support of his position is like arguing with a vegetable."
- Aristotle
"Never argue with idiots. They just drag you down to their level and then beat you with their experience."
"Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film." - Stephen Wright.
"In a fight between
you and the world, back the world."- Franz Kafka
"I think if I could turn my mind into some kind of amusement
park ride, it would be really successful. It scares me half the time and I know what's in it." - R.M. Weiner
"I'm
not a complete idiot, some parts are missing!"
"I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar."
"Consciousness:
that annoying time between naps."
"If you have half a mind to watch TV, that's enough."
"I
don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it."
"It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply
to serve as a warning to others."
"For sincere personal advice and the correct time: phone any number at random
at 3am."
"If genius is one percent inspiration and 99 percent perspiration, I wind up sharing elevators with
a lot of bright people."
"Some people are going to leave a mark on this world, while others will leave a stain."
"When your IQ rises to 28, sell." - Professor Irwin Corey to a heckler.
"You can get much farther
with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone." - Al Capone
"Mediocrity knows nothing higher
than itself, but talent instantly recognizes genius." - Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
"Every once in a while, walk
into a bookstore and buy a magazine devoted to a subject you know nothing about. Read it."
Huh?
"Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted." - Groucho Marx.
"What is a 'free' gift ? Aren't all gifts free?"
"Incontinence hot line, could you please hold..."
"Don't you wish there was a knob on the TV to
turn up the intelligence? There's one marked 'Brightness', but it doesn't work." - Gallagher
"Always remember
you're unique, just like everyone else"
"If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?"
"When I consider how sweaters tend to make me sweat, I'm a lot less inclined to wear my windbreaker." - Brad
Hamer
Foot /n./ a device for finding furniture in the dark.
"Give a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day.
Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life." - John A. Hrastar
"If you cannot read or understand
the information on this safety card, please ask the flight attendant for assistance." - Seen on a card in an airline
seat pocket.
"I've practiced meditation most of my life. It's better than lying around doing nothing." - Tom
Sims.
Synonym /nm./: a word you use when you can't pronounce or spell the other one.
"Always remember to
pillage BEFORE you burn." - Attila the Hun
"History teaches us that we learn nothing from history."
"I'm certain that the fans of Shakespeare will tell me I would enjoy his work if only I took the time to understand
it. But that's like saying I would love polka music if I took the time to translate it in my head into the sound of a band
I like." - Scott Adams (of Dilbert fame).
"Welcome to Arizona... NOW GO HOME!" - Bumper sticker.
"When you're hungry, eat. When you're tired, nap in a sunbeam. When you go to the vet, pee on your owner." - Cat
philosophy (Gary Smith)
"Never buy a pitbull from a one armed man."
"Optimist /nm./: the owner
of a Yugo with a trailer hitch."
"I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help
section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose."
"The world is NOT any worse; it is just
that the news coverage is better."
"There are basically three kinds of men. There are the ones who learn by
reading. Then there are the few who learn by observation. The rest just have to pee on the electric fence for themselves."
"People are like sausages: it's what's under the skin that's important. So poke them with a fork periodically."
"Nothing is quite so annoying as to have someone go right on talking when you're interrupting."
"Talk
is cheap because supply exceeds demand."
"You are wise, witty, and wonderful, but you spend too much time
reading this sort of trash."
"Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional."